Dad-O-matic: Traveling Dad Doesn’t Have Guilt
101DDD
· 2 months ago
Sorry, but maybe the reason Buck doesn't have Daddy guilt is because his mind is on himself. How he feels and how he copes is pointless. Kids aren't responsible for Dads, Dads are responsible for kids. I understand he's career driven and that's what he gives his focus to, and he said it himself, that's what he got used to.
Unfortunately, I think Buck is representing far too many parent's views. In past generations, we needed to work 2-3 jobs or till the field all day just to keep a roof over our heads. Now Dad's work their tails to the bone to pay for our extreme car payments, mortgages, and credit card debts. We're addicting to working, rather than our families.
Personally, I feel the Daddy guilt as I had my father ignore me as a child, and show up every once in a while to look for his coping mechanism. My kids deserve every minute I can give them. Not for them to idolize me for just being home, but for us to spend time together to create a deep relationship.
BuckDaddy
· 2 months ago
To me guilt and missing my kid are different animals. I am not focused on myself. Everything I do is for the better of my family. I was trying to write a sweet thing and I guess it came not so sweet. Thanks for you comment.
adamcohen
· 2 months ago
I travel every week for work, and there's no way around it - the daddy guilt creeps up every trip. I take solace only in that while I am on the road, I try to get 10X more accomplished because I can go into the office early and work late. When I am home, usually on Mondays and Fridays, I make it a point to be around and present. I try to help get the kids off to the bus in the morning and be home for dinner with everyone. It makes those days when I am home more special and I draw the line on attending weekend events so I can just be home. The daddy guilt I guess is only overcome by the fact that I'm working to make it better for the family.
BuckDaddy
· 2 months ago
The hug at the end makes it better for me. I work Monday through Friday and very recently I work on the weekend as well. The time I have with my daughter is precious. When I am there, I am 100% there. Weekend events are a rare thing, it just happened this time they came back to back. One day I hope to be in a place when I am around more. Thank you for your comment.
C.C. Chapman
· 2 months ago
This is a tough one for sure.
I travel a lot and I hate being away from the family. But, guilt is NOT what I feel. Honestly I feel more of missing being at home with the family, helping out and all that. But, it isn't a matter of guilt so I think I get what you mean.
I also love that coming home moment. It always feels great and always gives big smiles to everyone and I agree that it is hard to beat that. But, even as good as it is I wouldn't travel more just to get it. I get just of good hugs first thing every morning too.
I'm sure you are going to get a hard time from some people about this, but at least you are being honest. What is important to realize is that each of us are different. What works for YOU might not work for others and that is ok.
BuckDaddy
· 2 months ago
Thanks for getting what I mean. I didn't mean to suggest I would travel more just to get it. I get great hugs if I leave the room and come back so I get what you are saying.
I got a little bit of a hard time for it but I put it out there and if I can't take it then I shouldn't have posted it.
Dan
· 2 months ago
I certainly wouldn't say that you're a bad person for not feeling guilty for leaving your child, but I would recommend some more tact when writing a post that will be read by men who deploy to foreign countries and DO feel guilty for leaving their kids.
It isn't just a woman thing. I have to leave my kids often. I will never get used to it. Deal with it.
BuckDaddy
· 2 months ago
I apologize if I did not have enough tact. What you do for your kids and for everyone else and their kids, I have nothing but the utmost respect for.
I am sorry if I offended you or painted too broad of a stroke. I will be more careful with my words next time.
I miss my child every time, I just don't feel guilty about it. Dealing with it!
BuckDaddy
· 2 months ago
I apologize if I painted broad strokes. I never said I didn't miss my kid. When I am home, I am home. My mind is never on myself. The reason I do the things I do is for my kid (and wife) not for myself.
jtrigsby
· 2 months ago
Wow, certainly is a wide array of opinions on this one. As a dad who's kids range from married to driving, and who has done his fair share of traveling and working, I'd like to weight in here too.
In my ignorant youth, I bought the conventional wisdom that I was defined by my work. What I did was important, they paid me a lot of money and I owed them, yada yada yada.
It was in this context that I realized one day that my kids were asleep when I left for work, asleep when I got home, the same pattern repeated on Saturday, and on Sunday I slept or otherwise was unavailable.
See, I realized that our kids are only kids for a short time, and those hugs that make your day (and Buck, I know exactly what you mean!) turn into, "thanks for the keys pops, can I get a $20?" I had to make a change.
I became intentional about the work I took on and the jobs I accepted. As time went on, I positioned myself to work more independently and with greater flexibility. It became so entrenched in my thinking that it didn't even occur to me how unusual it was that I was taking a week+ away from working to go with my daughter as she visited college campuses.
I am proud that I've been able to "be here" and that my kids have some memories of me being around.
And yet, one of my most prized possessions is a voice mail recording of my three year old daughter singing You Are My Sunshine to me... I still have that by the way. Something I would not have had I not been on the road.
Even after I became intentional, I still traveled... in fact I think I traveled more, and so did the fam. My kids have seen shows on Broadway and swam with dolphins, beaches from coast to coast and visited Canada to Costa Rica. I hope they're at least a little better for it.
I've even been deployed, with no opportunity for my family to visit, no 3-4 phone calls a day (more like once or twice a week if the connection was available). No guarantee that I'd even get back home. So I think I have a pretty diverse perspective.
Guilt is defined by the Princeton dictionary as "having committed an offense."
Guilt about working to provide for your kids, no, never.
Guilt about working 60 hours a week to provide excess for you and/or your kids, yeah, maybe.
Guilt about working 60 hours a week so mom can stay home with the kids and you can show them the value of hard work, nope.
No, there's no guilt, no offense, in being a provider, and there should be no guilt in enjoying the pleasures of a heart-felt and joyful hug when you get home either. In the end, our kids will tell us, through word or deed, how we did, we won't have to wonder.
Thanks for the post Buck and for the thought provoking responses by everyone. We all have our opinions and they all contribute to the conversation!
All Comments
Unfortunately, I think Buck is representing far too many parent's views. In past generations, we needed to work 2-3 jobs or till the field all day just to keep a roof over our heads. Now Dad's work their tails to the bone to pay for our extreme car payments, mortgages, and credit card debts. We're addicting to working, rather than our families.
Personally, I feel the Daddy guilt as I had my father ignore me as a child, and show up every once in a while to look for his coping mechanism. My kids deserve every minute I can give them. Not for them to idolize me for just being home, but for us to spend time together to create a deep relationship.
I travel a lot and I hate being away from the family. But, guilt is NOT what I feel. Honestly I feel more of missing being at home with the family, helping out and all that. But, it isn't a matter of guilt so I think I get what you mean.
I also love that coming home moment. It always feels great and always gives big smiles to everyone and I agree that it is hard to beat that. But, even as good as it is I wouldn't travel more just to get it. I get just of good hugs first thing every morning too.
I'm sure you are going to get a hard time from some people about this, but at least you are being honest. What is important to realize is that each of us are different. What works for YOU might not work for others and that is ok.
I got a little bit of a hard time for it but I put it out there and if I can't take it then I shouldn't have posted it.
It isn't just a woman thing. I have to leave my kids often. I will never get used to it. Deal with it.
I am sorry if I offended you or painted too broad of a stroke. I will be more careful with my words next time.
I miss my child every time, I just don't feel guilty about it. Dealing with it!
In my ignorant youth, I bought the conventional wisdom that I was defined by my work. What I did was important, they paid me a lot of money and I owed them, yada yada yada.
It was in this context that I realized one day that my kids were asleep when I left for work, asleep when I got home, the same pattern repeated on Saturday, and on Sunday I slept or otherwise was unavailable.
See, I realized that our kids are only kids for a short time, and those hugs that make your day (and Buck, I know exactly what you mean!) turn into, "thanks for the keys pops, can I get a $20?" I had to make a change.
I became intentional about the work I took on and the jobs I accepted. As time went on, I positioned myself to work more independently and with greater flexibility. It became so entrenched in my thinking that it didn't even occur to me how unusual it was that I was taking a week+ away from working to go with my daughter as she visited college campuses.
I am proud that I've been able to "be here" and that my kids have some memories of me being around.
And yet, one of my most prized possessions is a voice mail recording of my three year old daughter singing You Are My Sunshine to me... I still have that by the way. Something I would not have had I not been on the road.
Even after I became intentional, I still traveled... in fact I think I traveled more, and so did the fam. My kids have seen shows on Broadway and swam with dolphins, beaches from coast to coast and visited Canada to Costa Rica. I hope they're at least a little better for it.
I've even been deployed, with no opportunity for my family to visit, no 3-4 phone calls a day (more like once or twice a week if the connection was available). No guarantee that I'd even get back home. So I think I have a pretty diverse perspective.
Guilt is defined by the Princeton dictionary as "having committed an offense."
Guilt about working to provide for your kids, no, never.
Guilt about working 60 hours a week to provide excess for you and/or your kids, yeah, maybe.
Guilt about working 60 hours a week so mom can stay home with the kids and you can show them the value of hard work, nope.
No, there's no guilt, no offense, in being a provider, and there should be no guilt in enjoying the pleasures of a heart-felt and joyful hug when you get home either. In the end, our kids will tell us, through word or deed, how we did, we won't have to wonder.
Thanks for the post Buck and for the thought provoking responses by everyone. We all have our opinions and they all contribute to the conversation!
@jtrigsby